


Through Doubt and Distance

by phodyl



Series: Wintersday Fic Week 2019 [5]
Category: Guild Wars 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dragon's Watch, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gift Giving, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Wintersday (Guild Wars), rating for light cursing, takes place at some point after lws4, the commander is soft sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21941584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phodyl/pseuds/phodyl
Summary: "Solana hated this time of year. Everything that had happened to her, everything she’d lost...this was when it all came back. This was when she started to convince herself no one cared for her, when she broke down, when she retreated from the world and often--shamefully--from her duties.When the end of her watch finally came, she was grateful beyond words. All the Sunspear wanted was to go home, curl up, and cry. She had earned the right to feel sorry for herself, damn it.But when she opened the door to her quarters in Sun’s Refuge, she found...a gift.Wrapped up in a pretty ocean blue bow, with little dragons printed on the paper."
Relationships: Original Character/Original Character, commander/original character
Series: Wintersday Fic Week 2019 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575952
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Through Doubt and Distance

**Author's Note:**

> This is for day 5 of [tyrias-library's](https://tyrias-library.tumblr.com) Wintersday fic week! The prompt today is gifts. This fic features my norn Commander, Toril, and one of her partners, an Elonian human named Solana who serves as the head guard for Sun's Refuge.

Solana hated this time of year. Everything that had happened to her, everything she’d lost...this was when it all came back. This was when she started to convince herself no one cared for her, when she broke down, when she retreated from the world and often--shamefully--from her duties.

Once upon a time, in what felt now like another life, she had people she laughed and exchanged gifts with. People she sang songs and ate peppermint bars and drank cider with. People who she’d give her life for.

Once upon a time, those people would’ve done the same for her.

Once upon a time, some of them did.

The worst Wintersday gift she ever got was a letter telling her the only family she’d ever known was dead, and she hadn’t been the same since.

And the worst part was that her breakdown at this time of year wasn’t out of guilt, or missing them, or even wanting to join them. She had plenty of time for that the rest of the year. No, this holiday always brought out the bitter, resentful side of her. The side that saw children laughing with their parents, lovers exchanging gifts, friends joyfully singing together, and hated them for being happy when she wasn’t. Hated that no one was laughing with her, giving her gifts, or singing with her. She was horribly, horribly alone, had been for years. A miserable hag doomed to this miserable existence during this miserable holiday.

When the end of her watch finally came, she was grateful beyond words. All the Sunspear wanted was to go home, curl up, and cry. She had earned the right to feel sorry for herself, damn it.

But when she opened the door to her quarters in Sun’s Refuge, she found...a gift.

Wrapped up in a pretty ocean blue bow, with little dragons printed on the paper.

 _Toril_.

It wasn’t uncommon for a week or more to pass between each time she heard from her partner; letters took time to arrive, and unless she was in Ascalon or closer, the communicator signals usually weren’t strong enough. Solana understood how much time her work took up. They hadn’t talked in a while, but the last time they did, the Commander told her to expect something. Her work had her journeying to the Northern Shiverpeaks, far beyond what a courier could manage in any reasonable timeframe. Solana had just brushed it off, assumed it wasn’t going to happen, even if Toril made the effort. And that was a big “if,” because since when was anyone--especially someone like Toril, someone so _good_ \--willing to put that kind of effort in for someone like her?

She approached it cautiously and poked at it with a single finger, as if she were afraid it would somehow explode. When nothing happened, she cautiously sat on her bed next to the box.

It was...big. The thing took up half of the Sunspear’s bed. What on Tyria Toril could’ve possibly gotten her that would require a box that size, she had no idea. She had even less of an idea as to how she managed to get a box this size to her in time for the holiday.

Solana tugged at the ribbon, watching as it slowly dropped down onto her bed. Gently, she lifted the lid to the box. Almost instantly, a hologram popped up; it scared her half to death.

_“Taimi, is this--is this thing on?”_

_“Yes, Commander, it’s recording. Better hurry up and say what you want, because these things can’t store much.”_

_“Okay, okay.” A cough. “Oh, Spirits, this is--what do I **say**?”_

_“Fuck, you are so incredibly awkward. Just talk!”_

_“You know what, Aus? I don’t need the snark. Ugh, okay, let’s do this. Wasted enough time already.”_

The figure finally focused on the camera long enough for Solana to clearly see all the lines and scars and features of her love’s face, speaking to her from Gods know where.

_“Okay. Hi, Solana. If you’re seeing this, it means I wasn’t able to get back to Sun’s Refuge to give this stuff to you myself. By Bear, believe me when I say I wanted to; I hate thinking of you alone right now. I know this season is tough, but the last thing I want is for you to think no one cares, because I do. I promise you, wherever I am when you get this, I’d rather be by your side._

_“I hope this gift makes it to you okay, and I hope it makes you feel just a bit better. I love you dearly, and I promise I will try my best to make it back to you soon. I--we--all of us are thinking of you right now--”_

_“Hi, Sol!”_ Auslog called.

 _“Hey, happy Wintersday!”_ Braham.

 _“We love you!”_ Taimi.

 _“Guys, come on.”_ Toril again. _“They do mean it though. Please remember that it’s okay to feel bad right now, but also that you are so, **so** incredibly loved. I hope to see you soon. I love you, sunshine.”_

Toril blew a kiss, then gave a smile and a goofy wave before the hologram stopped, and a mechanical voice said, “WOULD YOU LIKE TO DELETE THIS MESSAGE?”

“Wha--no! Absolutely not, no!.”

“SAVING MESSAGE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPLAY THIS MESSAGE NOW?”

“Not right at this moment, no,” Solana said, brow furrowed.

“HOLO-DISK NOW ENTERING SLEEP MODE. TO PLAY THIS MESSAGE AGAIN, PRESS THE BUTTON ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE DISK. GOOD-BYE.”

“Okay, um, that was odd,” she stated, smiling despite herself. How long had this been en route to her? How much thought did Toril--and presumably much of Dragon’s Watch--put into this one simple gift?

_You are so, so incredibly loved._

Maybe it really was true this time.

She stopped for a moment, one hand on her chest, just taking everything in, and then she finally looked into the box.

The first thing--beneath the holo-disk itself, of course--was a rather impressively-sized stuffed bear. And of course it was a bear, for the Spirit who chose Toril so many years ago. Pulling it out of the box, she noticed it had on a little shirt, so she turned it over to look at the front and--and it was a dragon. Because of course it was. Solana laughed, just a little, a smile cracking through her normally stoic composure. A tag tied to its neck read, “ _So you have something to hold onto.”_ Solana noticed it smelled a little like Toril. She put her nose against it and breathed in deep. _Yep, definitely like Toril._

Next was another, smaller box, filled with chocolate oranges. Solana’s favorite. A note on the top of the box read, _“Who knew necromancy could be used to keep fruit from spoiling? Jory did, apparently.”_ Now she smiled in earnest, inhaling the scent before popping a slice in her mouth. They were exceptionally good.

She pulled out a small rod next, roughly the length of her hand and forearm, with a bit of parchment wrapped around one end and tied on with twine. The Sunspear pulled on the bow and let the paper fall into her hand. This one said, _“You’d mentioned you really admired thieves who further train to be daredevils, and that it seems much more fun than the training you’d get out in Elona. Erlend says this is the kind of weapon they tend to go for. Also included are some instructional holo-disks and a book.”_ Further down, and appearing rather squeezed in, was written, _“PS: Press the button in the middle, but be reeeaaaally careful when you do._ ”

Okay, a button.

Solana ran a hand along the rod, stopping when she noticed a little bump in the middle. She put one thumb over it, holding it in front of her with one hand, and then carefully, tentatively pressed the button.

Longer pieces shot out of either end to form a tall, thin staff, startling her and knocking down a vase on her nightstand. In the panic, the Sunspear dropped the damn thing, but she picked it back up to examine it more closely. This seemed a particularly thoughtful gift, and Solana felt tears welling at the corner of her eyes. She bounced it in her hands, feeling the weight of it. It was well-made--of course it was, it was Erlend’s work; even without the note she’d recognize it a mile away. She pushed the button again and felt the sides pull back in with a _whoosh!_

The last thing in the box was a book. It was handbound, in sturdy dark brown Elonian leather, with _For Solana, When Things Get Rough_ stamped on the front in red. It was large, large enough that it covered her lap when she set it on her thighs to read it. 

Solana gently pulled the cover open to find a note on the first page that read, _“For those times you doubt yourself, doubt your choices, doubt your worthiness, let this be a reminder. You are a good person, Solana, and you are worthy of love, before, now, and always. Yours, Toril.”_

The Sunspear closed the book and clutched it to her chest, huddled over it, losing herself in sobs as tears fell freely down her cheeks. She hadn’t even opened the book yet, and here she was, a total mess.

After calming herself enough to be sure she wouldn’t get tears on the pages, she opened it and started to flip through.

It was a scrapbook, of all things. Filled with pictures, affirmations, little drawings, and at the back, meticulously transcribed copies of every letter they had ever written each other, all in Toril’s harsh, hasty handwriting. The very last page held a new letter, she noticed, dated for tomorrow. _Must’ve gotten here sooner than expected_ , Solana thought. The letter read:

_My Sweet Sunshine,_

_It pains me that I cannot be with you now. I know I said that in the holo-disk, but I’m saying it again, because it’s true. I know Sun’s Refuge is safe under your watch, and I trust that you know how to proceed now that Kralkatorrik has been defeated._

_What I long for is not to check up on your work like some nosy supervisor, which I know is where your mind may wander if not kept in check. What I long for is the chance to see your glowing smile, to feel your lips against my own and to listen as the world drops away until all I hear is your heartbeat as it syncs to mine. Please never doubt that I yearn for you, for your touch, for your love. Some days, missing you is so painful I scarcely believe I’ll make it through._

_On those days, those painful ones, I write you letters, and I read through all the ones you wrote me over these past few seasons. It doesn’t completely banish the ache, but it soothes it, just a bit. I thought maybe seeing all those letters may do the same for you._

_Someday soon I will hold you again, and at that moment I cannot imagine the peace I will feel, soaking up your radiance and basking in the wonder of just being in your presence. Until that time, please take care of yourself. Love yourself as best as you are able in my stead, until at last I can give you the love and care and attention you so deserve._

_With love always,  
Toril_

Solana choked out another loud sob, cupping her hand over her mouth as the tears fell. She tried to brush some of them away with one hand, but she knew a few drops must’ve found their way to the parchment anyhow. That was alright, though. Toril would say it adds character.

For hours, she sat there, reading through old letters and looking through old pictures, recounting old memories and imagining the day she’d get to create new ones. And maybe, just maybe, Toril was right. This did soothe the hurt, just a bit.

Maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t all alone for once.

Maybe, just maybe, the holidays didn’t have to be so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this fic! <3
> 
> If you like my writing, kudos and comments are always appreciated. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [ineffablyadumbass,](https://ineffablyadumbass.tumblr.com) or on my gw2-specific blog [commander-passiflora](https://commander-passiflora.tumblr.com) where I post about updates and suchlike


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